February 19
What I Am Afraid Of
Asked what is wrong, we say we are worried about everything. That description feels accurate at three in the morning. In daylight, with someone listening, the worry may acquire a particular shape. We are afraid of losing work, being left, or discovering that someone has stopped respecting us. Saying it plainly can feel more exposing than describing a generally difficult life.
The Big Book invites us to look closely at our fears, including those that have no resentment attached. We need not find somebody to blame before admitting that we are frightened. Nor must we prove that the feared event is likely. A fear belongs in an honest inventory because it is affecting us now. Naming it does not guarantee relief, but it gives prayer and conversation something specific to meet. Instead of carrying an entire imagined future alone, we begin sharing the particular trouble we have been trying to outrun.
What fear becomes clearer when I stop calling it everything?
God, this is the part that frightens me.
For the A.A. nerds: Alcoholics Anonymous, “How It Works,” pp. 67–68.