February 18
Forgetting to Keep Score
For a few minutes, helping another person may take us out of the running commentary about ourselves. We are interested in what happened to them, or occupied with a practical task that needs doing. Later we notice the relief. During that little stretch, we were neither praising nor condemning ourselves. We were simply involved.
It is tempting to turn this discovery into another method for managing our feelings: find someone to help so we can feel better. Then the person becomes part of our plan again. The deeper invitation may be to value their welfare for its own sake and let whatever relief comes be a gift. Some service is tiring, and some conversations leave us unsettled. Their worth does not depend entirely on our mood afterward. Freedom from self grows through genuine interest, including the willingness to care when caring offers no immediate improvement in the way we feel.
What happens to my helping when I expect it to improve my mood?
Their welfare matters even on an unsettled day.
For the A.A. nerds: Alcoholics Anonymous, “How It Works,” p. 63; Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step Twelve.