February 17
The Conversation Without Me
Friends are laughing about something that happened when we were elsewhere. For a moment we feel left out. We could ask about it and enjoy their pleasure, but instead we find a way to redirect the conversation toward an experience of our own. The move is so familiar that we scarcely notice what prompted it.
Self-centeredness can grow from the fear that we disappear when we are not central. A room full of other people's lives may feel strangely threatening. Yet belonging does not require a leading part in every exchange. We can let people enjoy something we did not witness and remain present as their friend. This small freedom has consequences beyond conversation. It gives others room to have relationships, memories, and pleasures independent of us. We are included in their lives without needing to occupy every part of them, and there is much more to discover when we listen that way.
How do I respond when other people share something that does not involve me?
Their laughter leaves me a place to listen.
For the A.A. nerds: Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step Four, pp. 42–44.