February 16
The Agreement They Never Made
We remembered someone's birthday, helped with their move, and listened when things were difficult. Now they fail to do something we hoped for, and the disappointment brings a detailed account of everything we have given. We thought our generosity was freely offered. Apparently, some part of us had been keeping terms that the other person never saw.
Wanting care in return is human. A relationship in which only one person gives may indeed need an honest conversation. But an unspoken bargain makes that conversation harder, because we arrive treating a hope as a broken promise. Inventory can help us distinguish what was actually agreed from what we assumed our kindness would purchase. Then we can speak about the need itself. We may discover a misunderstanding, a real imbalance, or an expectation nobody could reasonably meet. Any of those is clearer than continuing to send invoices for gifts.
What return did I quietly expect from something I called freely given?
The unspoken agreement needs to become an honest conversation.
For the A.A. nerds: Alcoholics Anonymous, “How It Works,” pp. 60–62.