February 15
A Need Worth Naming
The wish to become less selfish can make ordinary needs feel suspicious. We are tired, hungry, or in need of a quiet evening, yet admitting it seems like putting ourselves first. We continue agreeing to things and eventually become angry with people who had no idea what the agreement was costing us. They were responding to the answer we gave.
Step Four begins by recognizing that our basic instincts have a purpose. Recovery does not ask us to become people without needs. It asks us to examine how those needs influence our conduct, including what we demand from others without saying so. An honest statement of a limit can leave more room for consideration than a self-sacrificing performance followed by resentment. We may still choose to stretch for someone. Knowing what we are choosing, and what we can reasonably sustain, makes that generosity more truthful for both people involved.
What need have I concealed until it emerged as resentment?
An honest limit gives people something real to work with.
For the A.A. nerds: Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step Four, pp. 42–44.