February 13
Caught Looking at Myself
We notice that we have spent half a conversation wondering how we sounded. Then we spend the other half criticizing ourselves for being so self-centered. By the time the person finishes, we have hardly heard them. Self-condemnation has kept our attention exactly where vanity had it, though it feels much more morally serious.
Recognizing self-concern gives us something useful only if we can move beyond the inspection. We might return our attention to what the person is saying, ask about the part we missed, or simply listen for the rest. There may be more to understand later with God and another alcoholic. At this moment, declaring ourselves terrible listeners will not help the person in front of us. A small return to interest may accomplish more than an elaborate verdict. We are learning to notice ourselves honestly without making every discovery the main event of the afternoon.
When I discover self-centeredness, does my response return me to other people?
There is still someone speaking.
For the A.A. nerds: Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step Four, pp. 45–46.