February 12
The Helpful Director
We know how the evening should go. This person needs to talk less, that one should feel more welcome, and someone really ought to appreciate the effort involved. Our intentions may include real kindness. Still, we become tense whenever people wander from the arrangement we have made for their happiness. Helping has quietly become directing.
The Big Book's actor is recognizable partly because the actor can be generous. Self-centeredness does not always announce itself through obvious selfish behavior. It may appear in our insistence that everyone benefit in the manner we selected. Other people bring preferences, moods, and ideas we did not arrange. Letting those realities matter can make the evening less tidy and the company more real. We may still have a task to perform, but we need not assume responsibility for everyone's enjoyment. There is a chance to join the occasion instead of supervising it from inside our head.
Where does my effort to help depend on people following my arrangement?
The evening belongs to the other people here, too.
For the A.A. nerds: Alcoholics Anonymous, “How It Works,” pp. 60–62.