January 15
Before I Feel Like It
There are days when willingness feels wonderfully clear. There are also days when we put on our shoes for a meeting while composing reasons to stay home. The second kind can seem less spiritual. We imagine that a sincere person would want to do what helps, without dragging along so much argument.
Yet a choice made amid resistance may be a very real expression of willingness. We are allowing something besides our immediate preference to influence us. The grumbling does not have to disappear before the choice counts. Nor does every suggestion deserve automatic obedience; honest questions still belong in recovery. But when our experience already tells us that something helps, we need not wait for enthusiasm to make it possible. The person arriving reluctantly can still listen, still receive help, and perhaps discover that a difficult feeling was never the whole of their intention.
What does willingness look like when my feelings have not caught up?
A reluctant beginning is still a beginning.
For the A.A. nerds: Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step Three, pp. 34–35.