July 19
I Understand Some of It
A person explains why they lied, and something in their fear sounds familiar. We understand the wish to avoid disappointment or keep a relationship from falling apart. That recognition can make us uneasy. If we acknowledge their fear, will we seem to excuse what happened? We may retreat into a firm judgment because it feels safer than allowing the situation to be complicated.
Understanding an impulse does not decide what should happen next. We can recognize the loneliness in someone's story and still speak plainly about the harm their conduct caused. In fact, being understood may help them stay present for that harder conversation. Our own inventories contain actions we cannot defend, carried out for reasons we have gradually come to understand. Remembering that distinction can lend warmth to honesty without asking anyone who was hurt to surrender their experience.
What becomes possible when I acknowledge the fear beneath conduct I cannot approve?
Understanding can accompany an honest account of harm.
For the A.A. nerds: Alcoholics Anonymous, “Working With Others”; Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step Eight.