July 6
Remembering Without Assuming
We remember exactly what helped when we were new: a direct suggestion, a long conversation, perhaps someone who left us alone for a little while. Naturally, we want to offer that same kindness. The person before us responds differently than we did. We may wonder whether they appreciate how much thought we have put into helping.
Memory can make us compassionate, but it cannot tell us everything about another person's need. Our beginning is a place from which to understand, not a pattern they must repeat. The Big Book encourages learning enough about a person to put ourselves in their place. That requires attention to the person actually present, including the differences. We may still share what proved useful to us. We can also discover that they need a shorter conversation, a clearer explanation, or time to consider what they have heard. Help becomes more personal when our memories leave us curious.
Where might my memory of what helped me be keeping me from discovering what this person needs?
Their beginning is their own.
For the A.A. nerds: Alcoholics Anonymous, “Working With Others,” pp. 90–91, 95.