May 12
After the No
We make a request politely. We even say there is no pressure. Then the answer is no, and our voice changes. Perhaps we withdraw for the rest of the evening or remind the person how often we have helped them. The words offered a choice; what followed made one of the answers expensive.
This is an uncomfortable thing to recognize, especially when we thought we were being reasonable. The recognition gives us somewhere honest to begin. Disappointment can be spoken without becoming punishment. We may need another arrangement, or a conversation about whether a relationship has become uneven. Neither requires making someone pay for refusing one request. Emotional sobriety can include the few minutes after we do not get what we hoped for, when we decide whether affection is still available. Those minutes may tell another person more than our carefully chosen opening words.
How free is someone to decline what I ask?
The answer deserves room to remain an answer.
For the A.A. nerds: As Bill Sees It, No. 288, “Emotional Sobriety.”