April 29
Hearing What We Missed
We arrive prepared to apologize for one thing and discover that the other person remembers something else more painfully. We regret the argument; they remember being left alone to handle what followed. We recall the money; they recall having to explain our absence. Our careful account was sincere, but it was formed from the place where we stood when the damage happened.
Listening during an amends may change our understanding of what needs repair. We need not agree to an inaccurate accusation or invent wrongdoing to please someone. We can nevertheless hear an unfamiliar account without rushing to defend the one we brought. Their experience is information we did not possess alone. If the conversation raises something difficult, we can take time to consider it honestly with guidance. Preparation has helped us begin; it need not make us unavailable to what the person actually has to say.
What might I learn by letting the person I harmed describe what mattered to them?
There is still something here to hear.
For the A.A. nerds: Alcoholics Anonymous, “Into Action,” pp. 77–78; Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step Nine.