April 17
A Debt We Keep Collecting
Someone apologizes, and we accept. Later, during an unrelated disagreement, the old incident reappears. We mention it because it proves a point, strengthens our position, or reminds them how much patience we have shown. The apology may have been sincere and their conduct may have changed. Still, keeping the debt available gives us an advantage we are reluctant to give up.
Forgiveness becomes difficult to recognize when the injury continues serving as a permanent claim. We may need further repair, or trust may still be uncertain; those are matters that deserve direct discussion. But using an old wrong to win a new argument keeps both people tied to it. An inventory can help us see the difference. We can acknowledge the past without making it an all-purpose answer whenever the other person has a legitimate concern about our behavior now.
When do I bring up an old injury because it gives me an advantage?
The present disagreement deserves its own hearing.
For the A.A. nerds: Alcoholics Anonymous, “How It Works,” pp. 66–67.