April 12
Two Accounts
In a strained relationship, acknowledging someone's pain may feel like surrendering our own account. If we admit that our words hurt them, will that mean their earlier cruelty was acceptable? Will everything become our fault? We may keep defending ourselves long after we recognize a wrong simply because we fear there is only room for one injured person in the conversation.
An honest inventory need not erase what happened to us. It can identify a particular action of ours while leaving the larger history intact. We said something deliberately humiliating. We withheld information to punish them. The circumstances may help explain our state of mind without making those choices harmless. With guidance, we can separate responsibility from a sweeping verdict about who was right all along. Two people may have suffered, and our willingness to acknowledge one fact does not require denying another.
What am I afraid will be erased if I acknowledge my part clearly?
My pain and my responsibility both deserve honesty.
For the A.A. nerds: Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step Eight, pp. 78, 82.