December 10
The Bargain We Expected
When we are making an honest effort in recovery, a painful reversal can feel almost like a breach of contract. We have been attending meetings, helping others, and trying to live differently. Surely that ought to count for something when the job disappears or a relationship ends. Underneath the disappointment may be a belief we never stated: if we live well, life should spare us certain things.
The literature takes suffering seriously enough to describe recovery within it. Our efforts have not been wasted because they failed to purchase protection. We may now need the very fellowship and spiritual help we were beginning to think we could manage without. There is no need to rush toward gratitude for the event or explain what God intended. For the moment, an honest account of our disappointment may bring us closer to help than a brave account we do not believe.
What protection have I quietly expected in exchange for practicing recovery?
We have not been disqualified by a hard day.
For the A.A. nerds: Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step Twelve, pp. 113–114.