December 7
After the Gift
We offer someone financial help, then find ourselves unusually interested in their decisions. Why did they spend that? Why are they going there? Surely our generosity entitles us to a little influence. The original offer may have contained no such agreement, but in our minds it has acquired one. The recipient is discovering conditions that we never quite put into words.
Giving can expose our difficulty with letting other people remain separate from us. Clear agreements about a loan or shared expense are responsible; hidden claims on obedience are another matter. Before resentment takes over, honesty may ask us to examine what we believed the money would purchase. Step Twelve's discussion of domination reaches beyond openly forceful behavior. A kindness can become a way of keeping someone close or compliant. Love asks whether we can be clear about our limits without quietly buying a position in somebody else's life.
What unspoken authority have I attached to something I gave?
A gift does not make the recipient ours.
For the A.A. nerds: Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step Twelve, pp. 115–116.