November 29
The Price of Being Needed
Being the person everyone calls can feel reassuring. We know where we belong, and there is little time to wonder about ourselves. Then somebody learns to manage without us, and we feel strangely distant from them. Perhaps we preferred the relationship when they needed something. Equality offers less certainty about our place than dependence once did.
Step Twelve describes the trouble we can have with both domination and overdependence. Help can become entangled with either, even when it began generously. Friendship asks whether we can remain interested in someone who no longer needs our rescue. They may have more to offer us now, if we are willing to receive it. Our usefulness has not ended because the relationship has changed. There may be room for a more ordinary companionship, with neither person required to keep having problems so the other can feel secure.
How does my interest in someone change when they stop needing my help?
We may have more to share as equals.
For the A.A. nerds: Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step Twelve, pp. 115–117.