November 7
While It Is Still Small
The first time the coffee supplies are left empty, it may hardly seem worth mentioning. By the fifth time, we have a speech ready about respect, commitment, and everything wrong with the group. The other person hears months of anger in a conversation they thought was about filters. We have been living with this grievance much longer than they have known it existed.
Speaking earlier would have required admitting that something bothered us. Perhaps we wanted to seem easygoing, or feared that any disagreement would damage the friendship. Silence postponed that discomfort while making it larger. There is room in recovery for a modest complaint delivered without a verdict on someone's character. We may discover a misunderstanding, a genuine limit, or a problem that needs attention. None of those possibilities becomes clearer while we keep rehearsing our case alone.
What have I allowed to become a character judgment because I never mentioned the original problem?
It may still be possible to talk about the filters.
For the A.A. nerds: Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step Ten.