August 17
An Offer With Strings
We say there are no conditions attached to our help. Then the person makes a choice we dislike, and we begin listing what we have done for them. The old favors suddenly appear as evidence that our opinion deserves greater weight. We may never have intended a bargain, yet disappointment reveals terms the other person never had a chance to accept or refuse.
Generosity deserves honest limits at the beginning. We can explain what we are offering, what we cannot sustain, and what circumstances would change our willingness. That clarity differs from expecting obedience in return for kindness already given. Another person's decision may have consequences for future arrangements, especially where our safety or responsibilities are involved. But their freedom was never ours to purchase. Recognizing that can be uncomfortable when we discover how much influence we quietly expected our help to earn.
What unspoken agreement do I believe someone owes me because I helped them?
A favor does not settle who gets to decide.
For the A.A. nerds: Alcoholics Anonymous, “Working With Others,” pp. 94–96.