July 13
Waiting Without Withdrawing
Someone we care about is moving more slowly than we hoped. They ask questions we thought were settled. They hesitate over an action that seems obvious to us. We may find ourselves becoming cool or unavailable, partly because waiting hurts and partly because we hope our disappointment will hurry them along. We tell ourselves we have stopped pushing. Our silence may still be pushing very hard.
There are times to step back, especially when repeated demands consume what we have to give. But stepping back can be honest and humane. We need not turn affection into a reward for progress. A simple conversation can remain possible even when we cannot take responsibility for the next decision. Trusting God with another person includes noticing when we are using our presence, or our absence, to bargain for the result we want.
What is the difference between an honest limit and a withdrawal meant to make someone change?
Care can survive an unfinished decision.
For the A.A. nerds: Alcoholics Anonymous, “Working With Others,” pp. 94–96.