July 10
An Offer Has an Answer
Offering a ride sounds simple until the person says no. Then come our questions. Why not? Who else is taking them? Have they thought this through? What began as a kindness can turn into an interview in which only one answer will satisfy us. We may be worried about their sobriety, but they can hear that accepting our help is becoming the price of keeping our approval.
An offer leaves the other person somewhere to stand. We can explain what we are able to do and why we think it might help. We can speak honestly about concern. Their answer still belongs to them. This can feel painfully small when we care deeply. Yet the freedom to decline makes accepting help meaningful, too. We are meeting another adult, someone whose willingness cannot be supplied by the strength of our own.
How do I respond when someone declines the help I hoped to give?
The offer can remain kind after the answer.
For the A.A. nerds: Alcoholics Anonymous, “Working With Others,” pp. 94–95.