May 3
After They Say No
Our suggestion is declined politely. We say that of course it is their decision, but something changes in our manner. We answer less warmly, stop asking how things are going, or become busy when they call. We have not issued an order. Still, our disappointment is delivering a message: declining our advice has made our friendship a little less available than it was before.
The wish to help and the wish to be followed can live close together. Their refusal gives us a chance to notice the difference. We are allowed to have limits, and remaining friendly does not mean agreeing to every request. But withholding ordinary kindness because advice was rejected deserves a closer look. Perhaps we feel unappreciated; perhaps we are frightened for them. Those feelings can be spoken about honestly with someone appropriate, without making the other person earn back our warmth by changing their decision.
How does my manner change when someone chooses not to take my advice?
Their no need not change my next greeting.
For the A.A. nerds: As Bill Sees It, No. 14, “Newcomer Problems”; Alcoholics Anonymous, “Working With Others,” p. 95.