February 23
If I Do Not Get It
Waiting for something we want, we begin imagining the refusal. Soon the disappointment means more than losing an opportunity. It will prove we are unworthy, too late, or permanently overlooked. One answer has been asked to settle questions it could never fairly settle, even if the answer turns out to be yes.
The fear of not getting what we demand can make wanting feel desperate. We might still care deeply about the opportunity after examining that demand. We might also discover that we have made it responsible for our whole sense of worth. Prayer does not require us to pretend the outcome is unimportant. It lets us bring both the wish and the frightening meaning we have attached to its refusal. Other people can help us remember the life that will still need our attention either way. A disappointment deserves to be felt without becoming the final account of who we are.
What have I decided a refusal would prove about me?
There is more to my life than this answer.
For the A.A. nerds: Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step Seven; As Bill Sees It, No. 22, “Fear as a Steppingstone.”