January 21
Willing to Ask
We may know exactly what we ought to want and still not want it. Resentment gives us a sense of being right. Control makes uncertainty briefly bearable. An old habit provides comfort we are reluctant to lose. Telling ourselves to become willing can sound like demanding that we be somewhere we have not reached.
There is room for an honest prayer from that place. We can say we are attached, afraid, or unconvinced, and ask for help with the unwillingness itself. Such a prayer need not disguise a promise. It may simply acknowledge that we do not want our present resistance to have the last word forever. The possibility of change can remain open while we cannot yet imagine liking it. Someone else's experience may help us believe that a freedom we currently resist could become something we eventually welcome.
What might I ask for when I cannot yet want the change itself?
God, I do not want this yet, and I want to be honest with You.
For the A.A. nerds: Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step Twelve, p. 108; As Bill Sees It, No. 4, “Can We Choose?”