June 9
The Friend Who Hesitates
We ask a trusted friend what they think, and they pause. Our stomach tightens. Before they can answer, we offer more explanation, another justification, a reminder of how hard we have tried. Soon the pause is filled, and the friend settles for saying that it sounds complicated. We leave believing they had little to add.
Inviting honesty involves what happens after the invitation. Someone may need a moment to find words that are both candid and kind. Our nervous explanation can tell them that certain answers will be difficult to deliver. This is understandable; being seen clearly can feel risky. We might acknowledge the nervousness and still leave the silence alone. A friend does not have to be perfectly tactful to offer something useful. Hearing them through gives us information we can consider afterward, when the first rush of defensiveness has had time to settle.
What happens in me when an honest answer takes a moment to arrive?
I can let my friend finish.
For the A.A. nerds: As Bill Sees It, No. 289, “When Conflicts Mount.”