May 6
Help We Can Actually Give
We promise to be available whenever someone needs us. The promise feels generous when we make it. Later, the calls conflict with work, family, sleep, and the other responsibilities we were already carrying. Resentment begins to gather around a person who may simply have believed us. We find ourselves hoping they will become less needy so we will not have to admit that our offer was larger than our capacity.
Honest help has particulars. We can say what we are able to do, acknowledge when that changes, and help someone find other sources of support. Serious immediate danger calls for appropriate help, not reliance on one member's availability. More ordinary needs also need not rest on one pair of shoulders. The Big Book recognizes both generous service and obligations to others. A truthful limit may disappoint someone, but it gives them sounder information than a sweeping promise followed by irritation or disappearance.
What would make my offer of help both generous and believable?
A clear offer is something another person can use.
For the A.A. nerds: Alcoholics Anonymous, “Working With Others,” pp. 96–97.